Ask Him The Right Way

I was thinking about how if the Israelites would have humbly thanked God for the manna they received, and then asked politely if they could have some meat too, God would have given it to them.  Instead, they grumbled and complained.  Realized I treat God the same sometimes, grumbling about my lot in life, instead of thanking Him for the many blessings I have.  Why would He want to give things to someone  who is so whiny and ungrateful? He does, every day, bless us with the thing we need.  I think He would gladly give us many of the things we want, if we would only ask the right way.

Sorry Doesn't Cut It

I find myself apologizing to God a lot.  I'll also apologize to my students other people, etc.  I've got no problem saying I'm sorry.  But after that, what then? "Sorry" is only enough when there isn't anything I can do. "Sorry" is never enough to say to God.  It shouldn't be enough to say to others.

What Next

2/12/11 God was telling me a lot at 6:30 this morning-I hope I remember it all, because it was important.  When I pray about a certain sin of mine and ask God to take away all desire to commit this sin, I did it because I knew I couldn’t do it without God’s help, but I was going about it wrong.  Yes, I can’t do it without God’s help, but God won’t do it without my active participation.  I can’t sit back and just wait for all sinful thoughts/desires to cease.  I have to commit myself to not performing this sin.  If I’m not tempted at all, then there is no conscious effort on my part.  Without my effort, I esteem the result lightly. 

I’ve already committed to a short prayer for someone when I think mean or judgmental thoughts about them.  Now I have to commit myself to treating my body as the temple it is.  That’s what I take in and what I use it for, including my hands, feet, mouth, and sexual organs.  It isn’t Jeremy God objects to.  It’s my wandering thoughts about other men.

How Can I Use This For Good?

I was thinking as I woke up how I wished I didn’t ever have negative thoughts toward life in general and mean thoughts toward people, then I read in my bible study how we should try to see people’s potential instead of just the stuff that bugs us, and pray for them that way.   My Mom has the tenacity and stubbornness of a mule.  Applied towards something worthwhile, that is an excellent quality, because nothing important will ever remain undone.   And of course, practicing this exercise is an equally excellent occupation for my eagle eyes!  I must use my powers for good!

Now That I'm Empty

It doesn’t matter where I am physically if I’m not in the right place mentally and spiritually.  When I’m at home with my girls I miss Jeremy.  When I am with Jeremy I miss my girls with a physical ache.  It seems as if I’ve been missing my girls for as long as I can remember.  It would be so wonderful to be happy in the here and now and not always be wishing I was somewhere else.  Of course, after Jeremy and I get married and we live all together (sometime in the summer) I will have everyone I love in the same house, except for Cara, until she finishes school at Hope.  And I HOPE they can teach her not to abuse herself and others, or I’ll have to find somewhere for her to live then too, and haven’t we all been separated enough?

Did an inventory last night and realized in my life I have accomplished just about nothing.  The things I have done are not things to be proud of.  Some of the things in my life I am most ashamed of, I did after I was a Christian, out of my anger and hurt about my daughters both being disabled.  Maybe if I hadn’t been such a new Christian it would have been different, but as it was, I just went off the rails.  If God were going to allow such agony in my life, then I would do the exact opposite of what I knew He wanted.  In the process I hurt myself and others. 

It has been very slow, but God has changed me.  I at least realize on my own I can only do more harm than good, despite how much I want to help others, and not hurt.  I am a completely closed off individual.  I have no friends because I can’t be a friend.  I can’t hang around and do stuff; I’m completely caught up in my daughters’ lives, but even before then I wasn’t much of a friend.  Too messy, too inconvenient.  Too everything.

All I have is God.  Despite it all, I have a small spark of hope that I can refrain from making any given situation worse if I will only have faith in God and be obedient to his clear will.

My Anger Burns Me

I’ve been so mad at mom for the past few days because of the way she treats my girls and dad and me and everyone but her siblings and Laura I guess, so there’s probably some jealousy issues there.  Anyhow I really let her have it as I was leaving to go to Jeremy’s (b/c of the toilet situation, Katie and her underwear I totally bailed) for moving stuff of mine, and then not only forgetting she’d moved it, forgetting said item had even existed) of course I have to keep relearning the same wonderful lesson that I can’t change or make a difference with mom by getting mad.  Scorn hurts no matter who it comes from, and then I learned that again at the bookstore when I just wanted to help someone and they took it as an insult and I was mortified; complete humiliation, and didn’t even apologize, just slunk away.  My anger turns me in to what I don’t want to be and I spend so much time focusing on all of that.  Why can’t I just grasp that God can only use me as an agent of change to change me.  If anything I say or do helps someone else (or makes an impression or anything) I probably won’t ever know it, nor should I. and all this stupid DWELLING I do makes it impossible for God to get anywhere with me.  He’s incredibly patient.  I want to be like God not like Mom.  It’s not that I want to hurt her, I just want to make her SEE how she affects everyone so negatively, but then when I am like that, I’m just the same, DUH!!!!!  Mom doesn’t set out to hurt people’s feelings or whatever; she really thinks she is right and helping.  And I think the same and we all think the same, so our motives are good but our execution is just that, and execution to all our good intentions.  I can’t talk about everyone, but I personally do not think before I speak and I say mom never apologizes, but I sure am not much better in that respect.  Like to that girl at the bookstore, or to mom or dad or whatever.  Yeah, mom’s nicer to certain people than others.  So am I.  I def. favor my girls and we both think we are helping them in our own fashion.   If I forget about mom’s shortcomings, (and even don’t dwell so much on my own) but keep praying for God to have his way with me, then I won’t have to keep covering this same ground.

Directions or Signs?

I have a friend who, when she is grappling with a problem, tells God things like, "If such and such happens, then I'll know I'm supposed to do solution A.  If not, then it's solution B.  It sounds to me like tempting God, but she is happy with this method.  If it is a question of right or wrong, it kind of seems to me the answer should be obvious, but I sure could be wrong.  What do you all think?